Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Fallout

The Decision has been made. The King has abdicated his throne in the Kingdom of Cleveland, Ohio to become a Prince in Miami, Florida.

After listening to The Decision live via the World Wide Web (which I thought was just a passing fad, but it looks like it’s caught on!!!), I’ve got 20 questions to ask all associated parties.

Here goes:

1. Will Dwyane Wade wear his championship ring to every practice to remind LeBron who the real alpha-dog is?
2. Has demand for psychotherapy in Cleveland increased exponentially over the past four hours?
3. Would Jordan, Magic, Bird, Zeke or Kobe ever have considered leaving the franchise they helped build to join forces with another superstar who plays a similar position in search for championship glory?
4. Speaking of similar positions, have a superstar 2 and 3 combo ever co-existed when both of them need the ball to drive to the basket and neither is a particularly great three point shooter?
5. How long before CB4 starts complaining about a lack of touches on the offensive end?
6. Is Kobe sitting at home right now plotting how he can:
a. not only equal Jordan with 6 titles, but;
b. also put LeBron and Wade in their place at the same time?
7. Are the Knicks the dumbest franchise in history after spending the past two years tanking to get LeBron, but only ended up with an improved version of David Lee (Amare Stoudamire) if he had a bad knee, chip on his shoulder and worse contract?
8. How many losses before Pat Riley decides he’s a better fit at head coach of the Heat?
9. Did Dan Gilbert have his Open Letter to Cavs fans drafted and ready to post online, or was this typed up after The Decision followed by a couple shots of Jack Daniels?
10. Is using Delonte West - a depressed drug-taking motorbike-riding-with-a-shotgun-and-two-hand-guns-while-drunk point guard - to sell season tickets a massive cry for help?
11. How many washed up veterans searching for a championship are going to be inspired to take massive pay cuts for the chance to play with the New Big Three in the South Beach sunshine?
12. Have alcohol sales in Ohio risen so much that they are now actively contributing to boosting the local economy?
13. Will putting The Answer in a Heat uniform create the most dysfunctional 1, 2 & 3 tandem in basketball history?
14. Did the following message really appear in a local Cleveland newspaper before The Decision? Mansion For Sale. Location – Akron. Owner relocating to sunnier climates. Never to return.
15. Has Cleveland officially taken over every cursed city/country in the sporting world to become the undisputed number one place where you just don’t want to be a sports fan?
16. What does it say about the standing of Dwyane Wade in the NBA that James pulled up stumps to join his team, as opposed to Wade leaving Miami?
17. Is new Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov currently using all of his shady ex-KGB contacts to plot the downfall of LeBron?
18. Will Donald Sterling ever take the hint that he’s the only thing holding the Clippers back?
19. Does he even care?
20. Were the Cabramatta Ethnic Cleansers ever in the mix?

LeBron James, The Decision and Turning Heel

For those of you who aren't clued into the American sports scene, today is the day LeBron James, a.k.a King James, makes his long awaited decision about which team he'll be joining for the next season.

It's no exaggeration to say that this single moment has been the most anticipated story in the National Basketball Association (NBA) for the past three years. NBA Finals, All Star Games, MVP announcements, NBA drafts etc. have all be dwarfed by the constant speculation about LeBron's destination. This could change the NBA landscape for years to come.

Will he:

Stay with the Cavs and be loyal to his hometown Akron, where he's lived and played basketball his whole life?

Move to sunny Miami and join fellow superstar Dwyane Wade and All Star Chris Bosh to create a new basketball trinity?

Join the Chicago Bulls and attempt to continue the legacy that Michael Jordan began?

Sign with the Knicks, and bring glory to basketball Mecca?

Decision, decisions.

Since there hasn't been enough hype and media coverage about where James is headed, he's decided to run an hour long program on ESPN today, called The Decision, where he will announce his, you guessed it, decision.'s not just a catchy name.

No-one seems to know which way LeBron is leaning, with news reports, tweets, idle gossip and Internet chatter claiming that he's 100% signing with the Cavs, Knicks, Heat, and Cabramatta Ethnic Cleansers, all at the same time. It really could go either way.

This is how I'd like it to play out:

Imagine throughout the one hour long James wankfest on ESPN that he’s continually hinting that he'll be staying in Cleveland. He's talking about his childhood in Akron, recalling glory days in high school, reminiscing with his crew and generally creating a feel-good Cleveland vibe. With five minutes to go he announces that he's ready to sign a new contract, and calls in Cavs owner Dan Gilbert and his team onto the set.

While he's telling them why he wants to stay in Cleveland, he unbuttons his shirt. Underneath is a Cavs t-shirt and everyone is cheering and back slapping. Dan Gilbert pulls the new contract our of his coat pocket and is ready to hand it over while his secretary uncorks some champagne and starts pouring. The city of Cleveland...probably the entire state of ready for the largest collective orgasm in the history of mankind.

Then as James reaches for the pen we hear glass shatter, and Mark Cuban storms onto the set. Jim Ross is screaming “Oh No…it’s Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban. What is he doing here?”. At the same time James tears off his Cavs shirt and reveals he’s wearing a Mavs singlet!!! Dan Gilbert looks on in horror as James starts swinging punches, knocking him to the floor. Cuban then drops a few elbows to finish the job, before they team up to throw all other Cavs officials off the set. James stares into the camera wide-eyed and flexes his biceps while Cuban gives the one-fingered salute and screams “That’s the bottom line, because Mark Cuban said so!”.

This is closely followed by the largest mass suicide in the history of mankind.