LeBron James, The Decision and Turning Heel

For those of you who aren't clued into the American sports scene, today is the day LeBron James, a.k.a King James, makes his long awaited decision about which team he'll be joining for the next season.

It's no exaggeration to say that this single moment has been the most anticipated story in the National Basketball Association (NBA) for the past three years. NBA Finals, All Star Games, MVP announcements, NBA drafts etc. have all be dwarfed by the constant speculation about LeBron's destination. This could change the NBA landscape for years to come.

Will he:

Stay with the Cavs and be loyal to his hometown Akron, where he's lived and played basketball his whole life?

Move to sunny Miami and join fellow superstar Dwyane Wade and All Star Chris Bosh to create a new basketball trinity?

Join the Chicago Bulls and attempt to continue the legacy that Michael Jordan began?

Sign with the Knicks, and bring glory to basketball Mecca?

Decision, decisions.

Since there hasn't been enough hype and media coverage about where James is headed, he's decided to run an hour long program on ESPN today, called The Decision, where he will announce his, you guessed it, decision. See...it's not just a catchy name.

No-one seems to know which way LeBron is leaning, with news reports, tweets, idle gossip and Internet chatter claiming that he's 100% signing with the Cavs, Knicks, Heat, and Cabramatta Ethnic Cleansers, all at the same time. It really could go either way.

This is how I'd like it to play out:


Imagine throughout the one hour long James wankfest on ESPN that he’s continually hinting that he'll be staying in Cleveland. He's talking about his childhood in Akron, recalling glory days in high school, reminiscing with his crew and generally creating a feel-good Cleveland vibe. With five minutes to go he announces that he's ready to sign a new contract, and calls in Cavs owner Dan Gilbert and his team onto the set.

While he's telling them why he wants to stay in Cleveland, he unbuttons his shirt. Underneath is a Cavs t-shirt and everyone is cheering and back slapping. Dan Gilbert pulls the new contract our of his coat pocket and is ready to hand it over while his secretary uncorks some champagne and starts pouring. The city of Cleveland...probably the entire state of Ohio...is ready for the largest collective orgasm in the history of mankind.

Then as James reaches for the pen we hear glass shatter, and Mark Cuban storms onto the set. Jim Ross is screaming “Oh No…it’s Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban. What is he doing here?”. At the same time James tears off his Cavs shirt and reveals he’s wearing a Mavs singlet!!! Dan Gilbert looks on in horror as James starts swinging punches, knocking him to the floor. Cuban then drops a few elbows to finish the job, before they team up to throw all other Cavs officials off the set. James stares into the camera wide-eyed and flexes his biceps while Cuban gives the one-fingered salute and screams “That’s the bottom line, because Mark Cuban said so!”.

This is closely followed by the largest mass suicide in the history of mankind.