Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Simply the best

Glory, glory Man United rang around Old Trafford as the mighty Red Devils were crowned champions of England for the 20th time.

Shout out to my brothers and sisters in arms as we once again claim victory: Kum Steve, Koona, the Greek, Sash & son, Rocky, Red Devils in training Stefan and Petar, and all the other followers of the true faith. How many times have we had dirt kicked in our face, only to rise above and smite our enemies? At least 20!!!

There has been much conjecture and debate as to whether this is a truly great United side. Despite closing in on a record point total, and winning the league with a handful of games to spare, many detractors deride this team as being just good enough against sub-par opposition.

Whilst I don’t disagree that the likes of Carrick, Jones, Welbeck and a 40 year old Giggs are no match for Keane, Robson, Eric and Giggs in puberty…this team has one great player that is heads and shoulders above the rest.

Robin Van Persie.

24 million for a 29 year old injured plagued striker who hasn’t won anything significant in his career…money well spent I say. Just ask Roberto Mancini, who as early as December last year was citing RVP as the difference between the Red and Baby Blue sides of Manchester.

So here are 24 reasons why RVP is simply the best:

1. 24 goals this season, equating to a million bucks a strike. I’ll take them odds
2. In case you missed it check out goal number 23 http://bit.ly/10xQTKC . Some say its goal of the season. Bullsh#t I say – that’s goal of the millennium!
3. He hasn’t bitten anyone #luissuarez
4. He chose to sign for the great half of Manchester over the rubbish half

5. He hasn’t racially abused anyone #luissuarez

6. He scored the fastest goal of the season, the game a mere 32 seconds old against West Ham United
7. Gives a great hug
8. Ensured that we don’t have to rely on Wayne Rooney for everything #fatbastard
9. He’s not John Terry #johnterry
10. Corrected a penalty miss with a hat-trick against Southampton
11. He didn’t get into a training ground bust up with his manager #mariobalotelli
12. Scored against his old club to really stick the knife in
13. He’s not a fascist #paulodicanio
14. Scored the decisive goal in a 2-1 victory over Liverpool
15. Only player with two hat-tricks this season
16. Has a really simple goal celebration – the airplane. Classic
17. Clinched the derby with a last minute winner from a free kick
 18. His name definitely isn’t in a sealed envelope #brendanrodgers http://bit.ly/OrT5My
19. Didn’t turn up on the doorstep of another club without a transfer being confirmed #peterodemwingie http://bit.ly/11iPqmA
20. Is staying at Old Trafford for three more seasons
21. Scored his first Man United goal with his first ever shot for the club
22. Listened to the little boy inside his head: "I always listen to the little boy inside of me in these situations – when you have to make the harder decisions in life. What does he want? That boy was screaming for Man United."
23. He hasn’t bitten anyone #luissuarez (it needed repeating)
24. Delivered Man United a record 20th title

An important public service announcement

Uruguayan footballers have shared their lives with humans for more than 12,000 years, and that coexistence has contributed substantially to our overall quality of life.

In Merseyside over 39% of households share their lives with Uruguayan footballers, but sadly, a minority of these footballers do not live up to their image as mankind's best friend.

While over 81% of attacks occur in private homes, it is clear that dangerous Uruguayan footballers in public places pose an unacceptable risk for the community and are a significant issue for regulatory agencies.

However, knee-jerk legislation responses that follow on from public outcries after attacks are neither the most productive nor efficient way to address these situations.

Internationally renowned experts suggest cost- effective methods determined through rigorous scientific data collection and analysis will assist in the protection of both Uruguayan footballers and the public.

A summary of suggested approaches:

  • Scientific data collection and interpretation to correctly diagnose the correct course of action.
  • A nationally uniform approach to create dangerous Uruguayan footballer policy and legislation
  • A national database that would store all information on Uruguayan footballer attacks
  • Regular analysis of incidence reports
  • Ongoing Uruguayan footballer Management Officer training
  • To implement Club Specific regulations in legislation. While all Uruguayan footballers can be aggressive to humans, evidence suggests attachment to Liverpool Football Club is a worthy indicator of increased aggression levels
  • Post campaign monitoring must be completed to ascertain a dangerous Uruguayan footballers campaign's effectiveness
The majority of the papers outline the advantages of analysing the parts of dangerous Uruguayan footballer legislation to generate a best practice holistic approach, creating long term community benefits.

Legislation should be created with expertise and a thorough understanding of the complex issues and factors surrounding dangerous Uruguayan footballers.

This important public service announcement was brought to you by the OSSA (Office of Satirical, Statistical Analysis). Note: 73.4% of all statistics are contrived and 103.9% of statistics are exaggerated.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Celebrating success and men behaving badly

I’m back baby. Just like the mysterious White Walkers from Game of Thrones, I’ve risen from a cold dark place to wreck havoc on everyone south of The Wall.

A lot’s happened in sports over the past couple of months. Most of the action has taken place off the field. To quickly recap:

The dog ate Shane Watson’s homework, the Aussie men’s 4x100 relay team put in an application for residency at St John’s College, and the Cronulla Sharks successfully graduated from the Lance Armstrong School of Excellence Performance Outcomes (EPO). 

Meanwhile Ben Barba was busy auditioning for 'The Shire Season 2', Josh Dugan’s Joel Monaghan inspired tweet (minus the canine, Gods be good) got him fired and Kurtley Beale put his hand up for a league contract with his best impersonation of 'The Origin of the Species'.

Finally, Giorgos Katidis has been banned from international football for his Nazi style salute, Paulo Di Canio was hired for his…and I’d hate to be in Oscar Pistorius’ shoes right now (too early?).

Oh, and Mario Balotelli was caught having a fag in a train dunny - and it wasn’t George Michael.

There’s a wonderfully enigmatic Italian maxim “The mother of idiots is always pregnant.” I enjoy philosopher poet Monty Python’s far less cryptic: “He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy!”  

So with the sporting spotlight clearly focused on men behaving badly recently, I thought it appropriate to celebrate some on-field success, and what better place than the Theatre of Dreams!

When the little c#nt of incest spawn ‘King’ Joffrey removed Lord Eddard Stark’s head it shocked the world, setting off a chain of events resulting in chaos, betrayal, bloodshed and treachery – or just another day in South-Western Sydney.  Similarly, when Kun Aguero shocked the footballing world with virtually the final kick of last season, cruelly taking another Premier League title out of the grasp of Sir Alex Ferguson, the balance of power in the EPL shifted. The very foundations on which the Premier League was established were crumbling.

The four kingdoms – Manchester United, Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool – were in disarray. United’s forces, shell-shocked by their end of season capitulation, were facing down an enemy hungrier and armed to the teeth. Arsenal, growing fat off the success of yesteryear, lost the stomach for the fight. Chelsea, despite a famous victory over Bayern Munich, were stricken by internal turmoil and backstabbing for political advantage. Meanwhile Liverpool, under the leadership of The Imp, continued to lose any form of credibility.

But like Lord Tywin Lannister, Sir Alex spent the entire summer plotting the downfall of his enemies. A Lannister always pays his debts, and when SAF successfully signed the sell-sword RVP in the off-season, he would have known that in this Game of Thrones he edged evermore closer to regaining the crown.

Revenge is a dish best served with a 15 point gap at the top of the table, and with this in mind Sir Alex will be relishing tonight’s Manchester derby. I’m sure this fixture has been circled in his calendar since the start of the season, albeit with the expectation of a title decider rather than a final kick to the gonads of an enemy lying stricken on the muddied battlefield.

Sir Alex has seen off the challenge of many claimants to the throne – Wenger, Houllier, Mourinho, and Benitez – but none will be more satisfying than silencing the noisy neighbor and potentially putting a final nail in Mancini’s coffin. The Italian has the polished yet smug look of the Kingslayer, but like any man who bones his twin sister his elegant appearance belies a darker side that needs to be extinguished.

A win tonight and United can begin celebrating a record 20th league title, whilst it also has the capacity to send Mancini back to Italy. The Dothraki Warlords funding Mancini’s empire won’t be at all pleased with another abysmal turnout in Europe followed by an embarrassing capitulation in the league. They’re liable to use Mancini’s powder blue scarf as a noose. A sight most welcome across greater Manchester and the seven kingdoms of Westeros.